more about weddings: your questions answered

Welcome back readers, and welcome, new readers –

In our January post we described what a wedding on the Bruderhof is like, prompted by the wedding of Norann’s oldest son Jordan to Maddie. We got a couple questions in response to this, so here’s a follow-up with some answers.

With Spring coming (at least for us in the northern hemisphere, sorry Norann), we’re seeing new life of all kinds and appreciating the increased light and warmth that lifts our spirits. It’s a reminder of God’s creative love that brought each one of us into being, and which is also the source of love between men and women. The consistent return of Spring every year reminds us of God’s faithfulness and the faithfulness we as Christians have promised him in return. Love and faithfulness are what we celebrate when a couple is married; a great introduction to our discussion is a video that Norann and her husband Chris recorded which is linked in her post below. Of course if you have more questions, please let us know!

Marianne – in Woodcrest, upstate New York

Like weddings anywhere, a wedding on the Bruderhof is the ceremony which unites two people in marriage. Of course, our understanding of Scripture and the heritage of our particular church community is reflected in the form of the ceremony, so I thought I would write a little about the most important part of a wedding, which is the vows which a bride and groom make.

Bruderhof wedding vows are in the form of questions which the officiant – a Bruderhof pastor – asks the bride and groom. The vows we use have been handed down in the Anabaptist church for over four hundred years; this is reflected in the beautiful archaic language which is also a reminder of the solemnity of the occasion. Couples do not customize vows or write their own.

A marriage is a public witness, and the vows are made in front of (as it says in one of the vows) “the gathered church as witnesses of your wedding.” Of course the gathering includes children who, by the time they have grown up, will have heard these promises made dozens of times and learned by repetition the teachings and explanations that are included in the vows. The bride promises to obey her husband “in all godly things” and the purpose is then explained: “so that each may be an incentive to the other to what is good and godly.” Likewise the groom promises to love, respect, and honor his wife, and to “go before her in all that is good.” This is so that “she may have in you an example of uprightness and godliness and may be led nearer to the Lord through you.” The groom’s further promise to “consider and honor” his wife is based on 1 Peter 3:7 where, “the apostle Peter warns us that our prayers may be hindered unless we are willing to consider and honor our wives.” The couple then promises to “bear with one another in joy and sorrow, in health and sickness, and never forsake each other till death parts you.”

Both bride and groom also affirm that their first allegiance is to Christ and his church rather than their human partner. Bruderhof founder Eberhard Arnold, writing in 1934, explains the reason for this vow:

This is something remarkable to nonbelievers, who often think that the more autonomous a marriage is – the more it is based on the natural unity between two people – the stronger it will be. This is an error. Nothing is firm but the eternal; everything else is uncertain. Only when our marriage bond is part of the eternal order does it become a firm bond.

This brings us to a surprising paradox. At weddings, we ask couples the question, “If one of you were to be unfaithful to the church, would the other one remain in the church and not follow the unfaithful spouse?” For us, this radical question constitutes the deepest security of a marriage bond. It places each of the marriage partners completely in the unity of the spirit of the church, and in doing so, into unconditional faithfulness to one another.

Unconditional faithfulness to one another is something we also promise when we become members of the Bruderhof; knowing that we have all promised to stay true, come what may, makes it possible (and necessary!) for us as a group of people to work through differences and gives us confidence for the future. The faithfulness of both partners to this higher calling deepens and protects their faithfulness to each other.

It’s because of this lifelong vow of faithfulness that Bruderhof members only marry people who have made the same membership commitment. Over our 100+ year history, there have been several instances where one spouse felt called to join the Bruderhof and, after making vows, continued living with their partner. But for someone who has joined as a single, it would not make sense to seek a partner outside our fellowship.

Because of the utmost seriousness with which we take these vows of faithfulness, within our church there is no divorce; although there have been times when a couple has lived separately for a while, it is always in the hope that the marriage will be restored. Each couples’ faithfulness to each other is also an example for the children growing up in our community: my children know that such a thing as divorce exists but not as something within their personal experience. Instead, they know what it looks like to be married for more than fifty years, like their grandparents on both sides, or more than seventy years, like our neighbors Milton and Sandy. They know that our family, and the families of their friends, will never be altered except through the death of a family member.

The last part of the wedding ceremony is a blessing said by the minister using a prayer handed down over centuries.

We bear you witness herewith that you marry
as an upright and honest couple
in accordance with the ordinance of God
and the example of the men of old,
and with the knowledge of the elders and of the whole church.

Finally we, together with the whole church,
wish you from the almighty, eternal God
– yes, from the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob –
his blessing and benediction.

May he himself join you together and fulfill his blessing in you,
that you may dwell together as an upright and godly married couple,
and house together peacefully and well,
and serve God as long as you live.

This we wish you once more from God,
through Jesus Christ. Amen.

A wedding summons the mightiest blessing – “from the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob” – and promises the most homelike comforts – “to house together peacefully and well” – then ends with the delightful ceremony of exchanging rings, which is eagerly watched by all the children present.

One question to our previous post on weddings was whether Bruderhof marriages are recognized by the government. The answer is yes: couples are married according to the law of the land (whether in the United States, England, Germany, South Korea, Australia, Paraguay, or Austria). Kent and I were married in Ulster County, New York, and a couple days before the ceremony went to get our wedding license from the county clerk in the same cluttered room where hunting and fishing licenses were issued.

Thrilled to be writing my new last name for the first time.

Norann - in Danthonia, New South Wales, Australia

Chris and I finally sat down to have a conversation about our son’s wedding, to answer some of your excellent questions, and share footage. Please enjoy it here:

Another question we received is: may Bruderhof members remarry if their spouse dies?

The answer is yes.

It’s a very personal question for me as my mother, Hanna, died when she was 37. She had been married to Dad for 15 years, and they had just had their eighth child a week before her death.

My older siblings remember praying fervently for a new mother to not only restore their distraught father’s heart, but to fill their aching hearts as well.

Our family’s prayer was answered when, a few years later, Dad remarried a childhood friend of our mom, Roswith. After an initial coincidental meeting, Roswith’s name kept coming up in my father’s heart, and after considering it at great length, he summoned the courage to write her a letter. He was well aware that it would be a brave woman who would even consider a courtship with a father of eight children.

Roswith always told us about the shock and surprise that accompanied our dad’s request, and that she hid his letter out of her view for some weeks so that she could consider it very deeply in prayer.

She first agreed to write to him, then to phonecall, then to meet, and a strong friendship and then love was built between them. I remember well the joy in our family when Dad announced he was traveling to America to marry and bring home our new mother.

While I can’t speak for other Bruderhof members who have remarried, and can only offer a perspective from my parents and us grateful children, it is clear that the eternal bond of marriage doesn’t fade, but is a mystery of love which expands beyond comprehension.

Trudi – in Spring Valley, southwest Pennsylvania

I’m not married, so I wasn’t sure what I could add to this conversation—then I realized there are two couples from the first half of the 20th century, whom I admire and would love to write about.

“How differently young men and women’s relationships would grow if the Word of God, rather than changing emotion, were their source for guidance and godliness in an ever-shifting culture. My parents saw God’s Word as the North Star, fixed and always pointing the way to freedom and joy.” -Valerie Elliot Shepard

Valerie Elliot Shepard is the daughter of Jim and Elisabeth Elliot. Last year I listened to the audio version of her book, Devotedly,: The Personal Letters and Love Story of Jim and Elisabeth Elliot. Prior to that I had read almost all of Elisabeth Elliot’s books including two on Christian relationships and marriage, Passion and Purity and Quest for Love, both of which I highly recommend to young Christians unsure of how to navigate the cultural norms of dating, and who wonder how or if they will ever find a marriage partner.

I’ve grown to love the witness of Jim and Elisabeth’s story, although in many ways it’s a mystery to me. I am always amazed how each of them placed their love for God above their love for each other—no easy thing to do. I won’t try to detail their story now, you can read more here.

Another couple I greatly respect is Eberhard and Emmy Arnold, founders of the Bruderhof. Their journey together, which began in 1907, is also an astounding witness to the possibility and blessing of a God-centered love story.

Eberhard and Emmy each experienced an almost immediate God-given assurance that they were meant for each other, and within a month of meeting were privately engaged. The book Love Letters is the result of the three years of separation that followed; Eberhard studying to get a doctorate, and Emmy working as a nurse. So far I have only read parts of Love Letters, and I find it at the same time beautifully romantic and deeply challenging.

Early on in their relationships, both the Elliots and the Arnolds, knew that the cross of Christ was their center. As Eberhard said about Bruderhof marriages, the strength of a marriage bond lies in the individuals’ bond to Christ. Their faith cost them dearly in different ways, and I do not envy that. But these two couples exemplify to me true love for God. They received the gift of love but waited on God for His timing and blessing, entrusting their greatest hopes and longings to Him. Their letters reveal struggles, but above all, thankfulness and joy.

Things we’re doing / enjoying

Norann

Watching our son who is boarding at the Mount Academy in Esopus, NY wrap up a very successful basketball season (the boys won the school’s first Section 9, Class C, basketball championship), and move into the Mock Trial Season.

From one court:

to another:

Marianne

We’re enjoying the fact that it’s Spring, and you can go barefoot, play ball, and read outdoors. The book that’s being enjoyed is Tonke Dragt’s Letter for the King.

Trudi

I am enjoying late March and the steady advance of spring. . . .

“Beaver Creek” happily thawed (fun fact: no beavers)

Some additional book recommendations:

—find books from Eberhard and Emmy Arnold here.

The Mark of a Man by Elisabeth Elliot

Let Me Be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot

—and many more books by EE

Wild at Heart by John Eldredge

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

That’s all for now folks. Enjoy the season you’re in!